Back to the middle.

It seems like just the other day that we were optimistic and making plans for the new year and now it’s almost over.

We’re half way into the year and instead of moving forward it seems we’re treading backwards.

The beginning of this year had us thinking that things were seemingly going better than the previous one, with the easing of the lockdowns and life somewhat going back to normal, only for things to go right back to where it started.

I know that this isn’t necessarily the case for us all. Most countries have been experiencing the liberty of less stricter stay-at-home restrictions and moving somewhat towards freedom, though in all honesty we aren’t really free till we can take these masks off.

With the resurgence of infections that is unlikely to happen, given that we are facing a third wave of the Covid 19 pandemic. I know right? Who would’ve thought that at this time of the year we’d still be addressing this virus. Yet in South Africa here we are.

Granted that the pandemic is still a worldwide reality, but it seems down here in Africa we’ve been hard hit yet again.

I know it seems like ever since this year has started I’ve been Pessimistic Percy to anything South African related, but that’s because we keep losing our way.

When we think we’re well on our way to progression we find ourselves moving back. I know that two steps forward (surviving the first two waves) and one step back (the third wave) beats no steps forward at all, but man could we just keep moving forward.

Despite the many reasons as to why we find ourselves here; government negligence, mismanagement of state funds, corruption etc we’re not here for that.

In no way is this post intended to be a dampener in already somber times, but rather to have us sit with ourselves and ask ourselves where to from here when we find ourselves back in the middle?

When there are things you had intended to achieve and accomplish, and instead of making progress for whatever reason you find yourself back where you began.

I cannot speak for the government hence I will revert this back to self, in our own lives when we’re back to the middle what do we do?

I know that this post is much like the post titled: laconic in that it’s expressing a lot in not so many words. Well that’s because I believe that there is only so much we as the citizens can do. We can speak up and share our voices but at the end of the day the onus is on the governments to implement what is needed.

Besides that, currently in my life as things stand I too am back in the middle and I’m trying to navigate my way through it and make sense of it all.

This year has been emotionally charged and it seems like I’ve been going through it, I know some are thinking when have I ever not been? Well in my defence I’ve been doing a lot of shadow work, hence I’m feeling everything at a deeper level but that’s all a story for another day.

This post is to caution not only myself, but you as well. That as we journey through life, may we remember that life is about trial and error. To make room for mistakes and remember to be kind and gentle with ourselves.

With that being said, I also urge you to take care of yourselves, practice safe social distancing, wear your masks and may you always be surrounded by…

Love and light and lots of luck.

Maz_Dizzle

In it together.

Today marks the South African youth day. The day we commemorate the youth that died in the Soweto Uprising, a series of demonstrations and protests led by black children in South Africa against the apartheid regime.

Though we will forever applaud and commend the then youth for their courage and tenacity, I know given today’s climate many of us are struggling to celebrate this day.

Don’t get me wrong, what the youth of 1976 fought for was not in vain. Quality of education has improved, with all races being incorporated within schools and higher institutions. Furthermore with the primary medium of communication being the English language. To name but a few of the contributions made to the betterment of the youth today.

Speaking of betterment , I believe many like myself, as I mentioned above, do not think that there has been much betterment to the quality of life for the youth of today. And that is because the world today is different and so are our plights and oppressors too.

Today the fight is not against the language of instruction in schools, but the right to quality affordable, and preferably free education. The ability to move progressively, to have opportunities of employment after completing school. For those very opportunities to not be plagued by government corruption, and the lack of facilities. Resulting in the youth being riddled in drugs and alcohol abuse.

This post is not to discredit the strides that the youth of ‘76 took to get us this far. If anything, I’m not trying to be Pessimistic Percy either, and throw a dampener on the day. Though as I mentioned in the post titled: cry-my-beloved-country if we are going to be celebrating anything on these historic days it should be the progression we have made since then as a country, which in all honesty I believe we haven’t.

The youth of ‘76 and the world even long before have been fighting against this and still till this very day we continue to fight. With the youth rallying against systemic racism through movements such as #blacklivesmatter.

Now I’m not saying all this from a place of privilege and entitlement as our forefathers would believe of us the youth of today, but rather from a place of observing. A lot has changed but a lot has also remained the same.

The struggle is just the same then as it is now, this time it has just eased. Our plights today may be different but we are still fighting. We’re fighting against inequality, homophobia, patriarchy, gender and structural violence i.e systemic racism.

It’s one thing to have the system dismantled, but the repercussions still remain and continue to infiltrate our every waking day.

This post then sounds much like the post cry-my-beloved-country, in that it speaks on how systemic racism is part and parcel the reason for the stagnation of the non-white majority.

I don’t mean to be Negative Nancy, and in no way am I trying to spoil the day, but we must call a spade a spade. We must acknowledge the hard hands that the majority is dealt from generations back that thickens the divide and continuously leaves others at an unfortunate disadvantage.

And I know it’s far easier to point out the negatives without any solutions. The point is not to point fingers, but rather to acknowledge that we can’t fix decades worth of shortcomings in a few years.

That we as the youth of today, as we strive to liberate ourselves to be gentle on our journeys as we try to heal generations of shortfalls. To remember that it all takes time. And this goes for all youth, not just the South African youth. We’re all in this together.

See? I’m not here to spoil your day after all. As I go off to celebrate my youth, I wish you a pleasant day, filled with…

Love and light and lots of luck.

Maz_Dizzle

Laconic

For someone who can talk your head off, you’d sure think I can write as effortlessly too. I wish that was always the case.

Well I can, but sometimes writers block has me by the you know what and I’m blank. Yes, just like the feeling I make reference to in the post titled: lacuna.

Before you run off, this post isn’t about writer’s block. And even if it was, those who are creative’s themselves know how it isn’t always easy to lay track. Besides that, you don’t know what I’m going to say about writer’s block this time around anyway. So keep reading I’m onto something here. No really, I am.

At first I used to think that my delayed posts had a lot to do with writer’s block more than anything. Well in most instances that is still somewhat the case.

Though having sat with self I came to the realisation that in posts such as scripturient I alluded my delayed posts to the overwhelming feeling of mentally having the drive to write, but physically being unable to follow through with the act. When in actual fact it was the guilt of feeling like mental health will have you feeling like you wasting time.

On the topic of mental health, the month of May is Mental Health Awareness month and for someone who holds mental health dear to them, you’d think I’d be eager to write and share posts throughout the month. Instead it seems I’ve expressed much in very few words.

Well for one, I don’t need a month to raise awareness about mental health. I speak on it often. This blog is a medium of therapy after all, a place that has helped me learn strategies to healing. To find ways to define my own healing practice that help me along my journey and could also possibly help you along yours too. Please don’t be misguided though, my blog does not substitute or replace the help of a mental health professional.

Speaking of expressing much in very few words, the title of this piece when loosely translated means exactly that. I know that this piece is then much like the post titled: adoxography in that it seems to be speaking on a topic that is of little or no importance. It’s furthest from that actually. I did say I was onto something here.

In my last post titled: pardon I spoke my mind in not so many words. Before we get into that, I know I make a lot of reference to previous posts. That is so you can see how far we’ve come on this journey and how much further we still need to go. After all growth is a dance and not a light switch. Now as I was saying…

It’s actually very fitting that the title of this piece means expressing yourself in not so many words, considering that my previous post was about my inability to express myself due to mental health related issues.

This at other times even affects my writing, when I want to follow through with a post, but I cannot bring myself to write it.

At first, as I mentioned above I used to think it had a lot to do with writer’s block and lack of determination and discipline to name but a few contributing factors.

Though the latter may stand, the overwhelming feelings that I make reference to in scripturient that demand to be felt before I can proceed with a post, were the red flags that always tell us that our mental health needs attending to.

I then wrote this piece to caution not only you but myself, that on the days that your mental health needs attending to, do that. It doesn’t mean you’re lazy or wasting time, taking care of yourself is also productive.

I know this post has lived up to its namesake, it’s said very little in not so many words. I suppose that’s because I’ve been needing to sit with self and attend to these feelings, but the guilt of wasting time was also eating at me.

So here I am, expressing a lot in not so many words. Okay, what I’m saying is that, as we close off this mental health month may we remember that this is a journey. That there is no final destination to healing. To show ourselves grace and compassion on the road, and to remember we are all in this together.

Instead of looking at this month with sadness, we embrace how far we’ve come and how much further we are to go.

As I then go off to celebrate us being conquerors, I wish you continued strength on your mental health journey, accompanied by…

Love and light and lots of luck.

Maz_Dizzle

Pardon

The month of May is Mental Health Awareness month, and I find that very fitting not only because of that which has been weighing heavy on my mind of late, but because I hold mental health dear to me.

Those of you who’ve been journeying with me since the year has started have probably picked up on how emotionally charged most pieces have been this year. As I stated in my post titled: lost I’ve been more drawn to speak my truth of late.

Before I get into that, if you are new here I welcome you and hope you’ll continue to journey with us. If not thank you for stopping by, and to the regulars I hope you enjoy today’s post.

Now, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, it doesn’t mean all this time I’ve been lying. I’ve just been drawn to share my raw truth, the unedited version, the messy bits, without the eloquent and decorative words. The truth that I tend to sugarcoat and beat around the bush about.

I know it sounds very repetitious when I say that sharing your truth isn’t easy to do, well it isn’t. You never know how it will be received, whether you will be seen or heard. Speaking of being seen and heard, I’ve found that at most people don’t hear me.

I don’t mean in the sense that my heart is not being heard, which at most times I feel it isn’t, but rather that I have to repeat myself when speaking. I know that isn’t really news worthy, but continue reading I’m onto something here.

I said in my post titled: save-the-hero that I’m not good at communication. I further went on to explain that it’s my feelings I cannot articulate. Those who know me know that I can talk your head off, but when it comes to feelings it’s silent night. In this piece however I’m speaking on how in general when I’m speaking people are hard on hearing me.

This piece then sounds much like save-the-hero , in that it speaks on communication, but this piece isn’t about communicating feelings. Rather how often I hear the word “pardon” because in general people cannot hear me.

At first I thought it had a lot to do with the fact that I speak fast. Well that does play a role, but I realised that I was stumbling over my words making it hard for people to make out what I’m saying.

As I said I’ve always spoken fast but could always articulate myself, it was when I started to realise people’s reactions, which weren’t always pleasant, to me when speaking that I came to the realisation that something was off with my speech.

That there must be an underlying issue to the cause of my blurred speech etc. It was then that I came to the realisation that depression and anxiety can affect our speech, hectic right? What hurts the most is that I can’t even recall when it all started.

When that painting was ripped off the walls of my memory and all I now try to do is to piece together where it could’ve all began, btw loss of memory is also a symptom of depression and anxiety.

And it’s not always blurred speech and memory loss, sometimes it’s speaking slow because depression slows down thinking and speech.

I then wrote this piece to create a safe space and place for others to share their stories and heal loudly, remember the post: the-places-that-ive-cried-in-public? More especially during mental health awareness month. To remind you that there is healing in sharing your story.

To share this part of my journey has not been easy to do, despite it weighing heavy on my mind. What gave me the courage though, was the thought that by sharing my journey I could be helping someone else who either has gone or is going through this.

That someone needs these words of encouragement and that there is no reason to drown in silence, which is something I’ve been drawn to do considering that I cannot be heard.

As I then go off to continue working on regaining my ability to better articulate myself, on the bright side I can at least do so effortlessly through writing, I wish you the strength to speak up on matters that you may think are little but could have underlying issues. I also hope I can continue creating a safe space to help and for you to share those little nuances that you may think are nothing.

With all that being said, I wish you most…

Love and light and lots of luck.

Maz_Dizzle

Cry my beloved country.

Well would you look at that, it’s South Africa’s crown birthday. Today marks 27 years since we’ve been a democracy and we celebrate this on the 27th of April.

I guess it’s safe to say that April is a legendary month of celebrations, do what you will with that information.

I know many would say even though a lot has changed since then, a lot has also remained the same. It seems despite all that we’ve been through, we’re still fighting devils, just different ones and on different levels.

Back then the fights were against a policy or system of segregation or discrimination based on the grounds of race. That resulted in the political, social and economic discrimination against the non-white majority.

Our mothers, fathers and forefathers have since fought their way through that, to be able to celebrate this day which happens to be the South African Freedom Day.

Freedom Day is an annual celebration of South Africa’s first non-racial democratic elections of 1994. This day is marked as the day to celebrate peace, unity and the restoration of human dignity.

Theoretically we’ve managed to uphold the ideals of what democracy and Freedom Day stand for, but practically I feel we’re still a long time coming.

Our plights today may be different, but we are still fighting and crying. We’re fighting against, inequality, corruption, homophobia, patriarchy, gender and structural violence i.e systemic racism.

The world even long before has been fighting against this and still till this very day we continue to fight.

It’s one thing to have the system dismantled, but the rot still remains and continues to infiltrate our every waking day.

Now please don’t get me wrong, I’m not solely blaming the demise of our country on systemic racism. I know that the powers that be, have also had a hand in the way things stand. However I still believe that we would be a more progressive nation if we dealt with the rot that starts with the individual.

We cannot move forward as a nation if we do not acknowledge that the root is beyond just financial mismanagement and greed. And I know we’re too far gone to want people to be held accountable, but acknowledging the implications of the system even years later is a step towards the right direction.

For a day in which we should be celebrating peace, it sure seems like I woke up and chose violence. It’s furthest from that actually. I just believe if we’re going to celebrate anything today, let that be a fair and just society. And not just conceptually but in practice.

I know my outlook is very utopian and I suppose that’s the romantic in me, trying to romanticise everything. Though if we should be celebrating anything it’s that, and unfortunately we are nowhere near that.

It’s in the spatial planning that influence the socio- economic inequality, to name but a few of the hard hands that the majority is dealt from generations back that thickens the divide and continuously leaves others at an unfortunate disadvantage.

Again, I’m not disregarding the strides and changes we’ve made to get where we are. I know that change isn’t easy to come by, it takes months or even years. I just believe if we’re going to give meaning to this day then that’s what it should at least mean, well to me.

Speaking of meaning, I wrote this piece to ask what does Freedom Day mean to you? If you happen to not be South African, I ask what does Independence Day or whichever day of the commemoration of freedom (if you were a colonised country) that you celebrate mean to you? And if you believe you’ve achieved the ideals that were set for that day?

As I wait to hear what you all have to say, I’m going to go off and make the most of this day, it is a public holiday after all. With that being said, I wish you…

Love and light and lots of luck.

Maz_Dizzle

Lost

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, there really isn’t a manual to this life thing.

For someone who always looks forward to their birthday month, I had intended to share with you some light hearted reads, but something of late has been drawing me closer to my truth.

Now don’t get me wrong, it doesn’t mean I don’t share my truth in this pieces, but rather my shadow truth, the parts of me I’d prefer hidden.

The ones I sugarcoat and beat around the bush about. Well you see the thing about writing is that, sometimes the honesty kills us. Even though we know that there is beauty in vulnerability and that the risk is essential.

To share your story and journey in your most authentic voice is scary, you never know how it will be received but surrendering to the process does make it all worthwhile. Speaking about surrendering, I wrote this piece because I found myself wanting to control the narrative.

In writing that’s a given, the power to control how the story will unfold lies solely in my hands. Though unfortunately the same cannot be said about life and that’s what this piece is about.

That we cannot always control how things go. The power to release things is the gift of surrendering to the universe. To trust that things will happen as they should.

I know that this post is then much like the post titled: lacuna in that it speaks about releasing things. To a great extent it is.

I don’t mean to sound repetitive, but I did say in my previous post titled: adomania that when I write these pieces it’s not only to remind you as my readers, but they are gentle reminders to myself too.

That sometimes things do not go our way despite how much planning we do around them. Please don’t get me wrong though, I’m not writing this piece because I had planned happier times and things have taken a turn for the worst. It’s quite the contrary actually, if anything this has been a rather joyous month thus far, probably one of my best birthday months to date.

It just so happens that when planning my posts for this month, I felt a strong urge to be drawn to and address a particular choice of topics that weren’t really in alignment with the easy go lucky feel that I had planned.

It is then that I came to this realisation again, that you cannot always control how things plan out and that should also be okay. It doesn’t make us lost or displaced in our own lives. We should allow life to happen to us.

Given the context of this piece, I know you probably thinking it’s not that deep and who doesn’t like to control situations and outcomes here and there?

But what happens when the need for control is rooted in abandonment issues? Yikes, I know right? Talk about a drops mic situation, you didn’t see that one coming.

In my pursuit and frustration to want to control the narrative i.e my life. I came to the realisation that it wasn’t more about careful planning, but rather the anxiety ridden need to want to control the outcomes of situations and things, that has become more prevalent in my adult life.

I know my need to want to control things cannot be defined by abandonment issues in its broader sense. Fear of abandonment is not a standalone mental health condition, such as depression, but it is a form of anxiety and even a phobia in some senses.

My fear of abandonment is rooted in the fear of not having control of outcomes and situations, yes and relationships too because that’s where fear of abandonment stems from in it’s broader sense.

Having allowed myself to be subjected to poor treatment and continuing in unhealthy relationships. I redirected my need for control to other areas of my life when I couldn’t control why when I was being mistreated I still stayed.

This piece is then for those of us who may have questioned our excessive need to want to control situations and outcomes that we ended up self sabotaging. Not knowing that our thoughts and actions were rooted in the fear of abandonment that can stem from various things in our lives, dating as far back as childhood.

I wrote this piece to caution you on your journey that before you want to write yourself off, because you happen to think you’re unlovable, you cannot maintain healthy relationships or you feel the need to give too much or too little in relationships. Take time to question where all that may be stemming from.

Sometimes it’s not that a flower cannot grow, but the environment it’s in is not conducive to its growth. In other words, it’s not that you are incapable of standing firm in your being, you may need to look around as to what are the factors holding you back. We cannot control what happens to us, but we can always choose to learn from it, grow and become stronger and better versions of ourselves.

With that being said, as I go work through my abandonment issues by doing some self care. I hope this post has shed some light and hopefully helped someone on their journey. That your need for control does not need to drive you to self abandonment. Please don’t be misguided though, my blog does not substitute the help of a mental health professional.

If you or anyone you know may experience some abandonment issues, please feel free to hit me up in the comment section below and tell me how you work through them. Until next time, I wish you…

Love and light and lots of luck.

Maz_Dizzle

Adomania

It’s almost that time of the year again, my birthday. Those who know me and those who’ve been journeying with me know that I love birthdays.

I love helium balloons and getting cake, and no I’m not past the age of getting either of that, you are never too old for such anyway. I love gifting and also getting gifts. Though for someone who always makes an occasion out of any birthday, I’ve been quietly anticipating for it to pass over like any other day.

I know that’s unlike me and that’s sending off red flags. Some of you are probably thinking it’s because I don’t want to grow a year older, it’s furthest from that actually. I have no problem with growing older, if anything I believe that like fine wine we get better with age as we grow and mature.

Lately it just so happens that as I’m moving closer to ending one decade and starting another, I’ve been taking an even more intricate look at my life.

It’s hard not to feel disheartened when you feel as though you have not reached the internalised goals and milestones that society has set up for us. To not feel as though you’re running out of time. Speaking of running out of time, the title of this piece when loosely translated means the sense that the future is coming too quickly. And that’s how I happen to feel.

That one minute you were 21 partying till the wee hours of the morning and having Mc’ds for breakfast. The next, you’re almost 30 worrying about whether there’s milk in the house for breakfast the next morning and where your life is going.

I’ve always said that I’ve never been one to worry too much about age. Apart from the fact that I’m winning when it comes to the genetic clock, my age is definitely not telling. It’s because I believe that there is beauty in growth, you’re becoming wise and seasoned. Though it’s hard not to feel as though your age mates are moving in different directions towards their purpose and you’re just there.

Wanting to write yourself off because of the pressure to live up to society’s messages of what a man or woman your age is supposed to be. That at a certain age you have not achieved the set milestones for that age, to succeed and become someone, and now shame has you sitting on the sidelines.

I then wrote this piece, not only for myself but anyone else who may be in this predicament. That let us be gentle with ourselves on this journey, as we remind one another that we’ve never been where we currently are and instead of dreading growth we should be basking in the now as I stated in my post titled: lueur.

Not to think that who we are now is any less significant than who we wish to become. To remember that growth, as I stated in post titled:balter is a dance and not a light switch. Sometimes we will move with rhythm and others we will lose our steps, but all that is okay. Ultimately we will get it right, even if it’s not in accordance to society’s sequence.

Holding onto the idea that as long as there is breath in our bodies, we should not stop trying. We are not left behind and we cannot all get it right at the same time. There is no timetable or schedule that we must follow. We should all do what sits right with our hearts and souls, however that looks like to the next person.

To not beat ourselves up for where we are now, instead remembering that it’s our own timelines. No one else’s and we are right on schedule, doing the best we can to navigate through it.

I know for most parts this post is much like the post titled: ikgai. I suppose that is because this is a message that I will always reiterate, even if at times it means it being a gentle reminder to myself.

That we must be kind and show ourselves grace and compassion on this journey of growth. To remember to not waste time worrying so much about the future that we forget the now. As before we know it, it won’t be long before it’s all gone. So let’s enjoy the now.

No matter how flawed and unaccomplished that we may feel. To still be here is everything and more and we should embrace that.

As I then go and try to make something of my day. I wish you the continued strength to keep fighting for your life. Faith and belief in yourselves too, accompanied by love and light and lots of luck.

Maz_Dizzle

Around the world in 365 days.

A year ago today South Africa experienced its first official national lockdown.

A year later and things have somewhat gone back to normal. Day to day activity is no longer as restricted, with social and religious gatherings now being prohibited, just with the added new accessory, a face mask.

A lot has happened between then and now. The world around us and how we also do things has changed. And even though a lot has changed, a lot has also remained the same. We’re still fighting the same devils just on different levels.

The fight against inequality, corruption, homophobia, patriarchy and perpetrators of gender and structural violence i.e racism to name but a few still continues despite all that we’ve been through.

Coupled with that, we’ve experienced the socio-economic and the human cost of it all. With the pandemic affecting business and industry resulting in the loss of livelihoods and the human cost of it, resulting in the loss of lives.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not now saying that things have been all doom and gloom, the lockdown afforded us the opportunity to rediscover ourselves. To work on and harness lost talents and skills or to develop new ones as a whole. To use those said talents to better oneself, contribute and change the world, whether through music, writing (like myself), teaching or whichever other way.

Though it’s hard to ignore the impact of the pandemic on our lives. If anything, the previous year has been one for the books, we were hard hit from all sides. And I believe many of us are still trying to navigate our ways back to a new normal.

Despite having singled out the problems faced by us South Africans, I believe many of us worldwide share in the sentiments of the grave impact that the pandemic has had on us and our lives. It is then in this piece that I give the platform for us to share how the world has affected us in the last 365 days.

Before we get into that, I know some countries experienced strict stay-at-home measures of the lockdowns far earlier than we had, and have probably surpassed the one year anniversary mark. We would still like to know how things have been in your neck of the woods?

As I stated in almost all my posts since the pandemic has started, for me the lockdown has afforded me the opportunity to not only sit and get reacquainted with myself, but to make some changes. Not only to myself, but the way I do things.

And despite the changes not being as apparent, I believe the lockdown has forced the world to do likewise.

We may still be fighting the same devils, but we took a stand against injustices, fought for equality through movements such as the #blacklivesmattermovement and advocated for what is right. We fought for our lives and to put ourselves first. And those are but a few steps towards change.

For the world to reflect what we believe it should be, we became the very people to implement and enforce that change. We cannot always control what happens in the world around us, but we can choose how we respond to it. And I believe the lockdowns have afforded us the opportunities to stand up and work towards the necessary changes.

Please also don’t be misguided, by concentrating on the human cost of it all above all else, is not because I’m speaking from a place of privilege. Given the circumstances, I know to even concentrate on the human cost is not a luxury that everyone can afford.

Though I’m a firm believer that everything we do starts from us, if we aren’t right within we cannot win and hence I will always prioritise the human cost of it all.

These last 365 days have not been easy on us, they have been emotionally, physically and financially taxing. For us to have made it this far is everything and more. It is then with this piece that I say, despite all that we have been through let us be grateful for how far we’ve come and how much further we can go.

To look back at the year that has passed with reflection, gratitude to have made it and hope for the future and new normal.

With that being said, as I leave you to look back on how the last 365 days have looked for you. I ask that you share what you took from them and how do you plan to move forward in this new normal? As I wait to hear what you have to say, I wish you…

Love and light and lots of luck.

Maz_Dizzle

The places that I’ve cried in public.

As the saying loosely goes, we really do make our plans and the universe decides our steps. And all we have is to live through it.

The content of the pieces this month has turned out far different than that which I had initially planned. I cannot distinctly say what the pieces were meant to be about, because that also comes as we go. Yes you could say that I wing it, but I had intended to make them a little more upbeat.

I thought, I tend to think a lot for people, it’s both my gift and my curse, perhaps and also the reason why I am a writer, that maybe you were getting tired of the somber times and wanted to read something a little bit more upbeat.

Those who’ve been reading since the year has started, have probably picked up on how emotionally charged the last few pieces have been. Though before we get into all of that, if you are new here, I welcome you and hope you’ll continue to journey with us. If not, thank you for stopping by. Now as I was saying…

I thought to try and move away from the narrative that healing is all doom and gloom, which it really isn’t. Healing is a lifestyle, a journey, a continuous cycle of living through it. Not a destination to arrive to.

I know we are always talking about healing. Well as I said, healing is a journey. And besides the intention of this blog is to serve as a medium of therapy not only for myself, but you as my readers as well. To remind you that someone else out there gets it and understands, and hopefully that someone is me.

That you are not alone, and that even though it might not be the exact same path, someone has gone through what you have gone through. That you do not need to drown in your own silence.

Speaking of silence, that is part and parcel of why I decided to write this blog to begin with. I believe many of us can relate to a period or periods of time, perhaps even currently in our lives when going through something we felt as though we were unable to connect with anyone. When even the internet turned up no results to what you’re going through. I believe we can all attest to how isolating that all is and feels.

When you feel alone in the universe, because no one who has gone through what you are or have gone through has had the courage to speak on their experience. To share their story, that could either help someone else along their journey or they could take a thing or two from theirs, hence I started this blog.

I have been there. I know how devastating it all feels to feel alone in your darkest moments, when you feel like no one understands.

I then used this blog to speak up, to share my journey. Initially I held back, which is something I do quite often , I believed that it was better to speak on how you survive instead of what you’re surviving from. In all honesty I was trying to steer away from the “always sad” narrative. I even make reference to this in my post titled: quarervois.

Though healing isn’t always sunshine and roses, and it cannot always be neatly packed into beautiful words, sometimes it’s messy and comes out poorly written and that should be okay.

I then wrote this piece because I came to the realisation that me healing in silence does not serve anyone, more especially myself. If anything it’s an injustice to myself and to you too, because if you have been the patient and are now healed it’s now your job as the physician to help someone else who is going through what you went through. So how will you do that if you’re doing it silently?

And that’s the message of this piece, you were probably wondering where all this is going anyway? That when we heal, we should heal loudly so someone else can take strength from our healing.

By sharing our journeys, with our words in these pieces we create safe spaces and change the narrative. For others to know that there are other people who have made it through the darkness that they are or may have went through.

It is with this piece that I say, I will no longer omit pieces of me to make others comfortable. I do not owe anyone strength.

On days that I feel as though the world is trying to bury me, I will write hard and clear about what hurts. The many places that I have cried in public, because someone needs to hear that it is possible to recover and be okay someday.

And this blog serves to tell you that, it’s the connective tissue between our lives, the words of comfort to say that someone out there gets it and understands.

I then say to you my dear readers, that we all have our own trauma and wounds to heal, and in your own lives and healing journey do not be ashamed to heal loudly. Someone needs to hear what you went through and how you got through. You never know, your words could even end up saving a life.

And that’s all from this week’s instalment of chesties, feel free to drop me a comment and tell me how you heal and how it best serves you. As I anticipate to hear what you have to say, I wish you…

Love and light and lots of luck.

Maz_Dizzle

Save the hero.

It’s only been ten weeks into the new year and I already feel tired. Sometimes I wonder if I wasn’t born tired.

In all honesty, when looking back I can’t recall not ever having been going through it. Now I don’t mean to be Pessimistic Percy, btw Percy is a unisex name, but for as long as I can remember the year’s have somewhat been the same. With a few exceptions here and there, though nothing to really write home about.

However in comparison to a lot of years, maybe even our entire existence, last year was quite the show. It was one rollercoaster of a year, and in its defence it was also the year in which we completed some karmic cycles; a span of time in our lives usually amounting to 12 years where we had given away our power and now we took it back. So things should hopefully be looking up from here onwards.

I know it’s too soon to write this year off and that’s not what I’m trying to do. If anything this year is seemingly going better than the previous one, with the easing of the lockdowns and life somewhat going back to normal.

It might not be like that for us all, and hence I remind not only you but myself too, that it has just been ten weeks and we shouldn’t rush to make up for last year’s lost time.

Initially this post was meant to be about something completely different, but given the recent week’s events I’ve had to divert. I guess that’s the beauty of life, we plan our steps but the universe decides, and hence we find ourselves here.

You were probably wondering what this piece is really about? One minute we are talking about how this year seems to be “one of those years,” only to then say we’re actually addressing something different. Well that’s also the beauty of writing, I can hit you with a plot twist at any given time.

For someone who prides themselves on being a good listener, writer and talker I’ve come to realise that I’m not good with communication. I know you’re probably raising your eyebrows wondering, how does that work?

Well I’m good at talking, articulating myself, but I’m not good at communicating. Well my feelings more than anything. Those who know me know that I can talk your head off, but when it comes to feelings it’s silent night.

And it’s in the recent week’s that I’ve come to realise how that can be detrimental. I used to think that when retreating into silence, I was preserving myself and holding space for what I’m feeling. I’ve since then come to realise that even though my intent is not to be malicious, my solitude is viewed in that way, even though it shouldn’t be.

Its as though I’m withholding communication, unable to put my differences aside to ensure that relationships still continue despite what’s going on at hand.

“If I ever tell you about my past, it’s never because I want you to feel sorry for me but so you can understand why I am who I am.”

It’s actually furthest from that, at times I find that I do not have the amount of energy to address issues and then choose to close off, which is very common in the healing journey. And yes I’m still healing, this blog is a medium of therapy after all.

Healing is also not a destination but a journey, so we are continuously healing from various things that life throws at us. Bad relationships, betrayal from friends, sibling feuds, hateful parents, academic problems, toxic working environments you name it.

So at times when we grieve, that is mistaken as being closed off. And don’t get me wrong, I’m not now saying spend so much time healing that we forget to live, but also acknowledge that we are still healing.

I then wrote this piece because in my healing journey I have come to realise that we always want others to be okay, not understanding that we cannot always be okay and we need to allow others to grieve.

That sometimes situations are bigger than the surface level, and it isn’t just a matter of addressing issues or not making things about you. There are triggers and painful reminders, that sometimes people need to work through before they can go back to address issues and that should be okay too.

Yes, I know not communicating your feelings, even if it’s of discomfort, disappointment, hurt etc does scream self sabotage, as people are left in the dark as to how you feel. Though to retreat to yourself is also a trauma response that we don’t talk about.

You feel as though if you were to speak up you won’t be heard or seen, or in my instance viewed as though you are always angry and ready to fight. When you are just projecting repressed anger from knowing that who you are and what you do for others is not reciprocated to you. Yet when you retaliate it’s you who is viewed a certain way, often times as malicious.

That we must put ourselves besides ourselves, be the bigger person and hero, saving relations and people forgetting their role in situations and that we too go through it. Hence the title of this piece, who saves the hero after they save the world?

With this piece I say that, you don’t have to save everyone before you save yourself and whenever you are conflicted as to what to choose, always choose yourself and your mental health. Situations and people will still be there to address, and if not it wasn’t meant for you. We all deserve to be in spaces that allow us to retreat into solitude without our silence being viewed as malicious.

Though also acknowledging that communication is important and can make or break any relationship.

So as I go work on that, I ask in your life what are some of the things you do that may be viewed as self sabotage but you see as a way of protecting yourself? As I wait to hear what you have to say, I wish you…

Love and light and lots of luck.

Maz_Dizzle